Freude

Seven Days of F(un)acing ME

I am Christine and the last seven days i did an experiment where i made a comittment with myself to ask for support whenever an emotion comes up and see what information it has for me. Some beautiful human beings named: Julia, Devin, Brianne, Taborah and Sophia-Magdalena held space for me.

I am thriving in the context of possibility management, a gameworld that in and of itself includes more gameworld possibilities and gives distinctions and initiation into adulthood.

https://howtoplay.mystrikingly.com/

One distinction is that emotions are usually longer that 3 minutes and contain information from the past. Something that was not heard or contains an old decison that you made subconsciously due to your survival needs at that time that influence your live till this day.

Emotions are for healing things. Feelings are for handling things.

To go into further detail about this you can read the following website.

https://4emotions.mystrikingly.com/

For now and for this article i will not go more into detail as it is about the experience not the technique.

As many humans on this planet, i grew up in modern culture which is life threatening, unsustainable and cruel to its very core. As a child i didn`t get the processes and distinctions or initations i would have needed to grow up. As many people my consciousness up to when i was 27 years old was pretty much on child level responsibility. Still today in some parts it is but at least i am aware of it.

To survive and not be threatening to my surrounding i contaminated my adult ego state with my child ego state. To learn more about this wtach this video about parts from Teal Swan.

What this meant was to smile when i actually am full of fear, to not speak in my actual voice, to not be taking seriously because my posture and my standing was very weak and so on.

In therapy it is called regression which grasps just one part of the game. You can see it in children when they fall back at games and behaviors they ones grew out of and now play them again but with added strategies to avoid the feeling.

To read more about it read here: Decontamination on Strikingly

„It may have been necessary to disempower yourself as a child in order to survive in your environment. If you did so, it…“

Since almost half a year now i started to deal with this survival strategy and decontaminate my adult ego state from enmeshments. This led me to emotional healing processes now and then first one a month, then sometimes one a week and i noticed the more i decontaminated, the more energy out of this processes i could held and transformation stayed with me and i could integrate it in my life.

It was not possible for me before to create real changes in my life no matter how many seminars i went through or therapy i took or healing practices i tried or Labs i entered.

In the middle of August i hit a particular deep swamp. My child ego state freaked out completely and i didn`t want that anymore. My heart was hurting for months now. The physical pain and emotional pain was high. After all this time of decontamination work (taking the smile back into my child ego state, giving certain movements and gestures back to my child ego state, dealing with my demon ego state and so on) i was pretty aware ones more of not being able to create intimacy with my partner. I made the decision to stop that.

My intuition told me to call Brianne, Julia, Devin, Sophia-Magdalena and Taborah. In fact Sophia-Magdalena gave me the structure of this experiment in the first place. I called them up and told them that i want to do a 7 day experiment of facing every emotion that comes up in an emotional healing process or what is needed in the next 7 days and if they want to be part of my team and space hold for that. They all said yes and off we went.

Here is my diary of these 7 days:

23.08.2021:

The experiment started. This is how i feel like a nerve cell, nerve wreck even. I notice myself walking with that question of what is “bad enough” to call someone. I notice how hard it is for me to ask for support or even just ask anything. And then i called…

And this is what happened…

“Dear Team, I had a process today with Sophia-Magdalena as a spaceholder. It was about destroying the contract between me and my Gremlin when I was a baby. The contract was about not going into contact, not being touched and people not coming close to me. It is gone now. Thank you Team.I can feel you all in the space.”

24.08.2021:

I was working today. I am working in school as a sports teacher something that with my german box i could beat me up about it every other day but this is the place where i want and need to be right now seeing what i see, facing the children, getting mirrored in my energetic body and learning to make boundaries and distinctions for them even though my box freaks out about it.

I came home and listened to the recording of Clinton Callahan`s Study Group. This is what stuck with me:

“If we don’t get to the point that we are able to value our own value and reclaim that there is no next culture.”

Experiment: Contact Improvisation

“Changing your life around to make ongoingly contact improvisation and never leave that space and enter the mind to mind space… refuse this.”

Boundary: “energetic wall”
Distinctions: smoother, higher technology than boundaries

Inner distinctions and outer boundaries is what it is…

I don`t remember much of that day after that except that at one point i called Sophia-Magdalena again and this happened:

“Dear Team, I just held space for Christine. She is in liquid state and grief. I told her to lay down and cry and keep crying for the next hour.

It was about abuse physical/emotional from her mother….”

To be honest it was hard for me to grief. I fell into the trap of comparison. I thought about my partner and how he was beaten up in school and by his father constantly growning up in a different culture. Anyway, I became pretty aware of how i protecting my mother all these years and talking it down and making excuses but my sadness and anger spoke a different story. For some reason i always knew it but in a body that i ignored for far too long.

After i was busy shooting voices.

https://voiceblaster.mystrikingly.com/

I checked in with Devin after but i couldn´t sleep good that night.

I felt hunted. I have many pictures in my mind about my childhood, stories, incidences, dissociations but i forgot about the day when my mum was hitting me because i didn`t understand the math problem and i was too slow. She was furious and this fear were stuck in me. I was 6 or 7 Years old. I made the decisions:

I have to do everything right, always.

I can´t ask my mother if i have a problem.

When i do something wrong i need to punish myself.

It is not ok to do something wrong.

I can`t trust her and i feel fear of her freaking out in anger.

I am not allowed to be sad.

As typical as this sounds to my ear it is not ok that it sounds typcial to my ear, having heard this from friends or clients so often and totally ignored and even talked down that it happened to me, protecting my mother as a victim of modern culture.

Even now while writing this i grief again the fact that this particular moment let to several years of beating myself and cutting my arms after this at the same desk because of school and being afraid of punishment but at the same time being enmeshed with my parents and their fears.

I now even understand that this was my suvival strategy to feel love again by cutting my own sadness out of me so it flowed again.

It is hell to live in a house were you can expect your mum to freak out every minute and at the same time i was and sometimes had to be her companion and even therapist i can say today not being able to go to her just as a daughter. I wanted her to feel ok but i also wanted to be ok so i chose to be the best that i could even if it meant pain. I didn´t want to say no to love. Today i know that saying no is a whole kind of other love.

After the check in with Devin i wrote:

“I want to check in that as soon as the contact is gone I start to numb myself again. It’s pretty obvious but for me to value contact more than being alone feels like a big step. I notice more how I do it and when and just the short talk with Devin let my feelings flow again. For the first time after these hours of shooting voices I felt that it in my body today and not only in my mind that the abuse that happened is not ok. I would like to celebrate my bravery of contacting you. And i have more connection of the ongoing heart pain I have since half a year now. Thank you”

25.08.2021:

Observations:

I feel pushed having to do more. My box is present.
I feel panic, almost 100% fear befor i go to work.
I shot the voices: “i have to do more” several times

At night i used my anger and called Taborah. I am so thankful for the talks and cheking in with her. We shared our thoughts and feelings and i was brave and shared with her that i noticed how i projected on her. After that i don`t know anymore what happened but i opened up and said what my child part should have said years ago:

I don`t feel safe no matter where i go.

26.08.2021:

I cecked in with Julia in the morning before i go to school and meeting my classes.

I wrote later:

“Dear Team, i found out that there is a Green coffee Filter like thing on top of my solar plexus/ stomach area and there are creatures that look like children and sometimes like Woobly creatures with long thick arms like jelly crying and screaming under it in my belly. They swim inside my body and can’t go through this paper even though it is so thin it could rip easily. The decision of „I am not allowed to be sad“ came again from another layer. This was there on Monday too when I started with Sophia-Magdalena. On my bike today later I felt also the sentences coming up: „I shouldn’t become like my mother and I shouldn’t be a victim.“…. This is were I am at right now…”

I notice that i can feel my own fears more.

I feel fear of being censored, judged or this verbal violence.

At night i entered the women`s team where Taborah and i are in and we were working with the throat chakra. The picture of this article came out of that and the deep understanding about the physical and emotional pain in this center of speaking by fear of being censored and staying silent, not speaking and so on. I just love ECCO!

27.08.2021:

5 am: My blood woke me up. I am menstruating. I feel joy.

“Dear Team, is started to bleed this morning at 5 am. I am integrating today. I mainly sleep and sometimes move. Maybe you can make use of this too!”

Today i have thoughts like:

Maybe if I do this then I finally belong ….

I feel fear of being a burden.

I am angry because I want to do it in my tempo and I am doing it my way.

I am getting more distinctions between the thoughts and feelings of my box and my being.

That night i started dancing like crazy and held space for myself. I was shaking of stuff, changing shifting this green filter thing, releasing. I slept deeply.

Some songs stuck with me:

Avicii — Wake me Up

[Verse 1]
Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I’m too young to understand
They say I’m caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes
Well that’s fine by me

[Chorus]
So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost
So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse 2]
I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
I hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don’t have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life’s a game made for everyone
And love is the prize

[Chorus]
So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost
So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

[Outro]
I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I didn’t know

Zoe Wess — Control
[Verse 1]
Early in the morning I still get a little bit nervous
Fighting my anxiety constantly, I try to control it
Even when I know it’s been forever, I can still feel the spin
Hurts when I remember and I never wanna feel it again

[Pre-Chorus]
Don’t know if you get it ’cause I can’t express how thankful I am
That you were always with me when it hurts, I know that you’d understand

[Chorus]
I don’t wanna lose control
Nothing I can do anymore
Tryin’ every day when I hold my breath
Spinnin’ out in space pressin’ on my chest
I don’t wanna lose control

[Verse 2]
Sometimes I still think it’s coming but I know it’s not
Tryin’ to breathe in and then out, but the air gets caught
’Cause even though I’m older now and I know how to shake off the past
I wouldn’t have made it if I didn’t have you holding my hand

[Chorus]
I don’t wanna lose control
Nothing I can do anymore
Tryin’ every day when I hold my breath
Spinnin’ out in space pressin’ on my chest
I don’t wanna lose control

[Bridge]
I need you to know I would never be this strong without you
You’ve seen how I’ve grown, you took all my doubt
’Cause you were home

[Chorus]
I don’t wanna lose control
There’s nothing I can do anymore
I don’t wanna lose control (Ohh)
Nothing I can do anymore (Anymore), anymore
Tryin’ every day when I hold my breath
Spinnin’ out in space pressin’ on my chest (Pressin’ on my chest)
I don’t wanna lose control

Nouvelle Vague — In a Manner of Speaking

In a Manner of speaking
I just want to say
That I could never forget the way
You told me everything
By saying nothing

In a manner of speaking
I don’t understand
How love in silence becomes reprimand
But the way that i feel about you
Is beyond words

Oh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me nothing
Ohohohoh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me everything

In a manner of speaking
Semantics won’t do
In this life that we live, we live, we only make do
And the way that we feel
Might have to be sacrified

So in a manner of speaking
I just want to say
That just like you I should find a way
To tell you everything
By saying nothing

Oh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me nothing
Ohohohoh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me everything

Oh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me nothing
Ohohohoh give me the words
Give me the words
That tell me everything

I am feeling through these words singing.

28.08.2021:

Someone ones said: Letting go is to not hold it anymore!

“The universe isolates you so you can find your soul’s purpose. It may seem like you’ve lost friendships and relationships but finding your path, passion, and purpose in life is worth more! For where your soul is, there you will find your treasure …”
~ Unknown ~

I did a process today with Brianne in the morning:

“Dear Team, i now have a bubble of space. Bye bye green filter paper thing…”

Later i checked in with her again and we explored:

I feel sad because I do these things to not be alone or to belong:
1. give your center away
2. get hooked into other people`s offers
3. “I need to do more”, “I’m not doing enough”, sensation in back and arms, pain in limbs, as if I’m getting a cold, hysteria
4. not having a bubble

I manipulate myself and others for them to stay around

I don’t actually get to be with people.

29.08.2021:

“Dear Team, Taborah and I are heading of to Dresden, Germany today to take the first step on becoming official guardians for parts of the german woods. I feel joy and fear about this step. It is also the first small step in building another community maybe even a nanonation in the east of Germany.”

The train attendant says to a guy that forgot to renew hos monthy abonnement: „ Wer zu spät kommt, den bestraft das Leben.” In english: It indicates that if you are not fast enough you get punished by life! What a bullshit! I ask her if she really believes that and if she is aware that she is life and by telling him that, she is putting herself in power and the ability to punish him if she proceeds. It is not life that punishes. It is people who punish because of their fucking german boxes and being used to abuse and these apparently customs due to war that to be beaten or punished at least is some attention and apparently love! I am so pissed about this!

30.08.2021:

I am used to create stories out of fear and project experiences out of fear on others….victim consciousness

This has changed!

Today i had a process with Taborah holding space for me. I had this huge fear coming up for hours after an email from my school why i didn`t attend a lecture that i should have done to become a teacher ( i am not a trained teacher, i am working in school and have to do a programme while working to learn german and math again for primary school kids).

My adult ego state said: Because i don`t feel like i am learning something in those lectures and i did experiments those last weeks and talks with the parents where i learned so much more what could benefit the children.

My child ego state: I am freaking out

My Gremlin ego state: All this is is control and not initiating you to become an adult but keeping you in a box

What happens when my child ego state freaks out in those moments is this trigger of being punished again and i notice to give your center away happens in different areas also due to the chakra system. Not everyone gives their physical center away in the sakrum. If i feel deeply into myself today for most of the time i give my thrid eye “away” by keeping it occupied with thoughts that are not mine influencing my center to get lost. This has so many levels.

I checked in with Taborah about this fear and sharing that i don`t feel held. What happened later was that an entity ( i thought at first) had a grip on my heart and i was rocking back and forth. My body was moving in this rocking movement for so many years as if i am trying to calm myself and hold myself. This creature had it`s claw around my hand and i was stuck in a way that if i moved to much back my heart gets ripped out and if i move to much front it would push through my chest, either way my heart would have been not mine anymore and i would basically be a shell. While stuck with this rocking i could finally sense where this heart pain came from, one finger nail was inside my heart pinshing. It turned out that this energy was part of my Gremlin and i put this part back into my Gremlin Ego State using my anger. My heart now with an open wound gave me a new insight: I need to nourish it to heal with heart food and not soul food anymore and that my Gremlin was stuffing that wound for me since my heart was bleeding so many years. And i now have a new conscious Gremlin food which is pinching peoples hearts in a way that it can open up and rocking children and giving holdings when it`s needed.

I am so grateful for my spaceholders: Julia, Taborah, Brianne, Sophia-Magdalena and Devin. I felt held and trust and i am closing now by giving some distinctions if you want to try this experiment:

First i did this experiment consciously in my autumn phase of the cycle. For women this is the phase where at least from my experience with myself and other women in my team the stuff from the past that needs to be adressed comes up more present. The inward going and easier access to the emotional body makes it so that naturally you can go with the cycle of things.AND of course it depends on what you need and you are dealing with so it might also be another phase of your cycle. However to take this into account gives you awareness for your integration process.

Second: Don`t underestimate the integration time you need. If you have a box strategy of doing as much as you can or making a sport out of experiments. Check in with exactly that in the first day of this experiment.

Third: From my experience if you want to try this go with your gut, your inner voice that is usually more silent to tell you when you are ready. This is not about doing as much processes as you can handle. If you have a german survival box this is particular for you. It is about the now and the things that come up to gain awareness about what is happening. You will not be done with something after, not finished or better or worse, just you in another shape.

This is about being comitted to yourself and try out to trust again that people are there and be comitted to your comittment. You will feel when it is time to do that and if you want to try it out and have resistance to it. This will be the first thing to check in about.

Thank you for reading. This in and of itself was the final process for me of this experiment. Now the holes I fall into are not as deep as before making the experience of joyful states of groundlessness. I feel reborn just like this cell of the beginning i am now a cell cluster with a heart that sits more on my lips.

Thank you!