This article writing platform here says: “Tell your story…”
So i tell one…
I did an experiment for the last two weeks in radical relating. I had no clue how it looks like or what this even means up to this point today. It is the 10th of August.
After 1,5 years my intuition good so strong that i took my fear and clarity and took a plane to Marrakech, Morocco to meet my partner again after all this time not knowing who he is, what he is doing, how he feels. Yes i was talking to him on the phone but relating in all bodies wasn´t the experience before. I haven´t seen him since the end of 2019.
Despite all the tests and travel organisations i had to do i totally forgot that i will arrive in 45 ° degrees and that it will be the “Sacrifical” in Morocco, the highest four days long celebration of the islam religion. What a coincidence! So everything is closed and the energy in the country is strong. Drums everywhere at night, people putting goats coat on themselves and scare people. It was a mess for me and maybe a mirror of my inner world that i didn`t see before.
My partner lives in Aourir, next to Agadir. We met in Marrakech and drove with the bus to his house arriving at 2 am in the morning, tired, going through different climates. Still this place looked so familiar. Everything felt so familiar, the smells, the heat, the energy, him. Strangely how in one part of me i felt i never have been away and at the same time i felt delusive.
It was like boom explosion, to be together again. My Survival Part loves this intense energy but i also took my time. I was in his world again now, out of my culture straight into his. And i felt how i had changed. It wasn´t this easy anymore to shift into another culture. I had trouble keeping my center, be with him and his family. Different language, different customs, islamic religion, stronger even more hierarchical patriarchy. What had i done?
For me as a woman, i feel how my physical body is a direct vessel and reflection of the things around me and what kind of touch i receive and give. And it was a lot to be physical with him again, it was a lot to sing with him again on stage, it was a lot to be in this country again. And i failed the experiment.
Radical means radical and i didn`t ask for help or built myself a team before going there. I forgot that i am in different kind of processes and that i can`t handle everything alone. Despite all the 5 Body Ecstasy, as much as the energy went up as much my bodies couldn`t handle it. I lost my center, i gave away my authority, my child ego state flipped out, my Gremlin showed itself and low drama happened and i could see it like i was behind glas….i tried to stay in contact with my village at home, creating myself a team but i didn´t insist enough. I wanted to relate so badly, i wanted it to work cause i love this guy. I drove 4000 km out of my culture to radical relate again cause i want this.
And i put my bodies through to many processes and got really sick. After one week of being there the african water and sun got the better out of me. Through two days i thought my spine got removed, my head exploded, i had a strong fever and slept for three days straight putting my partner in a lof of fear over my condition. Deep down i knew that this is the healing crisis and processing all this information but still there i was in the dark again in a marocain house wanting to restart life with my partner turning out to be a radical relating with me instead of with him and my ego states, my being and my feelings.
After some time i got back on my feet but i couldn`t shift my emotional situation much and took a plane back home after two weeks. I felt angry that the people i asked holding space for me weren`t accessible. I felt so disappointed by myself. And to be honest i was in too much pain to really make an effort of finding people. I was just relieved to be back home in my apartment again.
This experiment has been terribly going wrong. However, what i realized is that initiation into adulthood is about radical relating and it means that you really need a team that is present and can offer you a space when it`s needed.
And initiation doesn`t mean that you are not already there. I feel for most of my life i am initiated but not in all parts of me. Most of the time i feel like i am trapped in an inbetween state of being initiated in one part but not in the other, so i dedicated my research to alignment.
And i want to take a stand of talking about this more cause most of the stuff you can read about this is so absolute.
For me, a human being is about radical relating in yourself, meaning the communication and awareness about your parts, your ego states, your bodies and let all of them be heard and be completed.
It doesn`t mean anything if you have moved out of your parents house or quit school if you didn´t complete certain emotions from your past or did fullfill what your Gremlin wanted e.g. being on stage.
Nourishment in all states, bodies and parts is needed to get into alignment, to do what you want and be fully present and incarnated on planet earth. And i am not talking about a permanent or perfect state here. I talk about the flow of things in a big stream next to each other, like the waves of the ocean.
When i was in Morocco i pushed myself out of this alignment that i had found for myself and i didn´t have a team to catch me when i fell. I only created that in Germany. So when you do big experiments have a team with you and ask for help. I learned that the hard way. You don`t have to. Most of the time i am so embarressed by my child ego state that i can not talk and i am not in my physical body at all.I couldn´t enter the study groups i am in and even my 3 cell told me that i vanished. So i guess this will be my next process…